Do your boobs hang low?

Do they wobble to and fro'?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Yesterday we went to a water park. Since my youngest son is too little to ride most of the good rides, I spent a lot of time floating with him in an inner tube in the "whirlpool." The whirlpool is a large round pool with currents that move you in a slow, lazy circle not unlike circling the drain in a giant toilet bowl. My kid sat stiffly in my lap wearing a huge orange life vest, and the inner tube was so big that basically my entire mid-section was in the water, leaving two legs, two arms (filled with said life-vested almost-two-year-old), and my little wet head sticking out of the top. Quite a sight, really. If only I'd had a camera... however I don't allow cameras in the vicinity when I plan to spend the day swathed in Lycra and dripping wet. That's just a no-no on many levels.

While drifting in the overly-chlorinated bacteria-trap, I had time to observe some of the other park-goers and reflect upon the cruelty of time and gravity on the human physique. People come in all shapes and sizes, which is the mantra I've drilled into my 6-year-old's head whenever he asks me why someone is fat or old or just plain ugly.


I saw all kinds of people in the Fug Parade: pre-adolescent girls in bikinis with remarkably smooth, un-stretch-marked stomachs, teenage girls who had eaten one too many Big Macs but who were also shamelessly sporting bikinis and belly rings, moms in tankinis who needed a little more support to keep the spare tire under control, old men with moobs, guys with hairy backs, lots of regrettable tattoos, and cellulite and thigh dimples galore.

What struck me most was the ta-tas. I've never seen so many saggy funbags in my life! Why aren't these people buying better bathing suits? Underwire is your friend, girls! Here's a tip for you: if you look down and can't see the shape of your nips through the fabric, you need a more supportive bathing suit top! Just sayin'.

Looky here: If a beautiful woman like Uma freakin' Thurman can be caught in a bad suit, it can happen to anybody. Get thee to the bathing suit store and lift those thangs up! I'm personally not happy until mine are cranked up to 11, which puts them up somewhere just under my chin. Sure, it hurts like hell, but come on! Being fabulous hurts sometimes, and if you don't believe me, just check out most womens' footwear.

Frankly, though, I really long for the days when bathing suits looked like this:

*sigh* Times were so much simpler then. A swim dress sounds awesome. I could totally get on board with that.

Anywho, while I was hunting down pictures for this post (would you believe that it was surprisingly difficult to find pics of saggy boobs? I was shocked, shocked, I tell you!), I found a delightful little product that looks like a good stocking-stuffer for all of the women in your life. Check it out:




GENIUS! Sure, it looks like you're sleeping with a dildo between your boobs, but whatev! Mrs. Cunningham, er, Grandma sure looks happy about it.

So, there's that.

Oh, and after going down a couple of those waterslides, I am in the market for some sort of painful-wedgie-remover product AND a new bathing suit. Some of those things hurt like a mutha and wear out the seat of your suit! There was one slide that actually slammed you in the face with a wall of water at the very last second. Thanks a-fucking-lot! Ouch! Along the same lines, I think it's a good thing my husband and I are done having kids, because the Geronimo (straight down) slide did something quite wrong to his twig and berries and he's still walking funny today. Poor guy. They really ought to put a warning on those things.