OOBH Stew - Now with Ogre Spoo!

Lately I've been thinking about discontinuing the OOBH Stew feature, but Samsmama specifically requested it yesterday and WHO AM I to say no? No one, that's who.

So here it is, your weekly collection of pop culture droppings that I lovingly mix into a delicious and satisfying mental concoction. It's part of a balanced diet!

Let's get on wit' it, shall we?

1. Daniel Craig might be bisexual.



NTTAWWT. That great bastion of journalistic integrity, The National Enquirer, has reported a story in which several witnesses saw Craig mackin' on some equally-hot dude while out to dinner in Venice, CA. With tongue. Speaking as a woman I have to say that it's a pity for us ladies, but seriously, he's too fine to be totally straight, right?

2. Shrek's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard....


Via Buzznet

Heh heh, ogre-load. Genius marketing, McD's.

3. Catherine Zeta Jones needs a cheeseburger, a nap, and a facial.


via Celebitchy

Hey, we all look like hell some days. Right this very moment I'm sporting the "I woke up too late to wash my hair" ponytail, so who am I to judge? Cath's a beautiful fifty forty-five forty year-old woman. Cut her some slack, jack!

4. At least 50 Cent still looks fantastic!



He lost 60 lbs for a movie role following what I have to assume was the Olsen Twin Diet: fat-free soy lattes, cigarettes, and desperation.

5. Speaking of the Olsens, we haven't checked in with Very Mary-Kate in a while.

Very Mary-Kate: Crush from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

Love those.

6. Last but not least, SCANDALO at Holy Taco!



I read Holy Taco just about every day (because I'm 12), but it's yet another one of those sites that I never bothered to read the comments. I used to be like that with List of the Day, believe it or not - I just had no idea what kind of murky underbelly subculture was going on behind the scenes of each hilarious post.

Well, this week apparently the shite hit the fan over at HT in the comment section, so the editors closed the comments and posted this rather hilarious yet scathing condemnation for their commenters' recent action. Since I wasn't involved in any way, shape, or form (that humming sound is coming from the glow of my halo, btw), I found it all to be rather amusing.

See for yourself.

There you have it! Another filling bowl of stew. This was a great way to prep the belly for all that BBQ we're gonna eat this weekend, right? It's Memorial Day weekend and all I have planned is parties with friends, playing with the kiddos, eating anything slathered in sauce, and drinking many cold Duffs.

Hope you all have a good one!
XOXO

Cue the Facts of Life Theme Song

I'm a little bit grumpy today.

I'm not going to dwell. No wallowing here. Nope!

Well, not much, anyway.

Do you ever just have one of those days when you feel defeated before you even get out of bed? You know, like when all of life's little shitty details pile on top of you until you feel like you've been trapped beneath something really heavy. Say, a flatulent hippopotamus?

Maybe your kids come home filthy and crotchety from school, then refuse to go to bed until after 9.

Maybe tomorrow marks one year since your favorite person passed away.

Maybe you can't go one day at work without something breaking and it's your job to get it fixed, but not before you hear about the problem from every single person in the office.

Maybe the 7 day cleanse pills you are taking have caused some pretty unpredictable and unpleasant sprints to the bathroom.

Not that this is what I've got going on or anything. Oh nooooo, not me! I'm just cranky 'cuz it's Thursday and not Friday. ;) Thank GOODNESS it's a 3-day weekend!

Don't get me wrong - I'm very thankful today, too. I took my oldest for his annual physical yesterday and he is healthy both mentally and physically. As a mother I could never ask for more than that. My youngest boy is growing like a weed and making me smile every day, and the love I get from both of those little dudes eases the hurt from everything else life throws at me.

My husband is sweet, hard-working, and always lets me be me. I am glad that I was smart enough to put a ring on it back in my wild(er) days.

I'm thankful for my friends, who keep me young.

I'm thankful for all of you peeps, who read my shtuff and leave me hilarious and sweet comments.

And I'm thankful for humor in all shapes & forms & the people who recognize it when they see it.

There. See? Counting my blessings really does help. I feel better already!

Something else that makes me happy is this song by Mumford & Sons. It's NSFW because they drop the F bomb in the chorus.



Your turn! What's bumming you out and what are you thankful for? C'mon, spill - it really helps! Sharing is caring.

Wordless Wednesday

Scenes from a Sunday at Casa de Bev.

Check out the pretty blue eggs we discovered in a tree in our front yard:



These make me happy:



Hermaphrodite tree:



Soccer is more interesting when you do it soaking wet:



The day's "Is it chocolate or is it poo?" moment, compliments of M:




Have a happy day.
:)

You say "doll face" like it's a bad thing!

So I was perusing my usual online haunts this morning and came across this photo of Kim Kardashian over at Dlisted. Check her out:



According to this week's InTouch Weekly (shut up) Kim's ex-boyfriend was quoted as saying that her body is "fake," so she is going on record to say that she has never had any cosmetic procedures aside from the ubiquitous Botox.

Uh huh.

Look at her. LOOK. AT. HER.

Everything about her face looks fake: her eyelashes, hairline, eyebrows, lips, and even her waxy chemically-peeled skin. Beautiful girl, sure, but... seriously.

She is as processed as a human can possibly be without going whole-hog and looking like this. ----->

Oh, and lay off the make up, sweetie. You don't need to put it on with a trowel!



So Kimmy got me thinking about some other stars who cultivate the living Barbie Doll look, and I thought it might be a fun topic of discussion. Hey, it's Tuesday, and it sure beats talking about the mass quantities of crude oil being pumped into the Gulf of Mexico or the free-falling Stock Market, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so.

Let's start with the original Barbie Doll "actress," Pamela Anderson. Over a decade ago on Baywatch, she was the epitome of the sunny California girl with a bangin' bod.



Nowadays, she looks more like this.
<-------

EEK!


I have one word for us all: SUNBLOCK. Am I right?

Pop singer Katy Perry:



I like her, but I'm not sure why. For one thing, I'd kill to have her bod, and for another she dates (the crazy but funny) Russell Brand, so she must have a sense of humor. Still - her look is often more kewpie doll than not, so I think she qualifies for this post.

The actress formerly known as Nicole Kidman.



I'm not saying she has spent a lot of green to look like a flawless porcelein doll or anything, but I would like to remind everyone that 20 years ago she looked like this.
-------->

Just sayin'.



Ryan Phillippe: Malibu Ken wishes he looked this good.



****slobber***slobber***drooooooooooool*****

I'm sorry, what was I saying?

While I'm drooling, I might as well throw up the other dude who comes to mind when I think of celebs who are so hot that they look like they've been molded from plastic.

Taye Diggs, anyone?



Your turn. What other celebrities look a little bit plastic fantastic these days? Who else should have Matel stamped on their backside?

May I be Frank?

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Franks & Beans

How goes it, cheeky monkeys? I'm a happy camper today. It's Friday, it's a beautiful day, my boss is out of the office for the morning so I can go for maximum slackitude at work, and I've got a hot date with Mala and Frankenberry tonight in Beantown.



Mala and I were sorely tempted to fuck with Frank just a wee bit, but we restrained ourselves. Some ideas we had:

* Show up in head-to-toe gray, saggy sweatsuits, unwashed hair, and a brandishing tins of Skoal. Act shocked when he says he doesn't want any.

* Insist that he bring us each a corsage.

* Suggest Burger King for dinner. Wear paper crowns.

* Call each other by the wrong names all night. Tell him he's been wrong all this time - I'm Mala, she's Bev. Jeez!

* Arrive already trashed, slurring, and swearing like truckers.



Naah, we won't do that! We're demure young ladies, after all. The very picture of grace and elegance - that's us!

*WINK*

Speaking of pictures... yes, I'll be taking some. We'll have show & tell next week, so don't you worry.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend. We will raise our cocktails to all of our bloggy buddies this evening! Cheers!

XOXO

Is it Awards Season already?

I know it's Thursday, but I don't feel like spilling TMI today. I did enough of that on Tuesday what with all my blabbing about Dr. Dong, etc, don't ya think? Btw, thanks for ALL of your kind words and comments. You are the wind beneath my wings! For rlz.

What I do feel like doing today is saying thanks to some sweet peeps who gave me awards recently.

Tamara at Nesting Pretty and Jessica O. at Agave Butterfly gave me the Sunshine Award because I'm so bright and shiny and shit. Thank you, ladies!

I'd like to pass the Sunshine Award on to a few people who always make me smile when I hear from them:
Rich Girl Red
Big Sis
Mjenks
Brooklyn ML
Tracey
Harmony
Liz

I am rather shiny and happy today because the weather is outstanding. Of course, I am stuck inside working so I can't go out and enjoy it, but I am still loving the sunshine and blue skies outside my window. Today's annoying work situation comes in the form of a high-pitched alarm that's coming from the telephone equipment closet. I've already called the phone company and they're supposed to come fix it, but not before every single person who walks through my office asks me what it is, tells me it's annoying (duh), and asks when it will be fixed.

ANYWHO. Back to the awards!

Stacie gave me this "awesome commenter" award, which is nice of her considering that I've been terrible about commenting on all of your blogs lately. Sorry about that... been busy. She asked some Q's to go along with the award, so I'll answer.


1) A night in or a night out?

I love nights out, but most of the time I stay in. I'm a homebody.

2) Movies at the theater or in your own home?

In my home.

3) If you found your Ex on Facebook/Myspace would you stalk their page?

Um, definitely. Duh.

4) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall?

Fall.

5) Do you tell your best friends EVERYTHING?

Just about, but I do keep some secrets to myself. Some things are just too private to share with anyone.

6) Does your family know about your blog?

My sister and husband do, but otherwise, no. And the hubby rarely reads it.


7) Are you a mysterious person or a tell all person?

Mostly tell-all. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and if you hurt my feelings, I will say so.

8) Why do you blog?

I need a creative outlet, I love to write, and I dig attention. What? I said I was honest.

9) What are some issues you refuse to blog about?

Sex with my husband, politics & religion.

10) HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? ;)

A whole helluva LOT!

Since this award is for great commenters, I will pass this along to everyone on my top 10 commenter list! Currently that means the following 10 people are charged with answering my silly questions whenever they get around to it. If you don't want to make a post on your blogs, just answer in the comment section, mkay? Also, anyone who isn't on the Top 10 Commenters list can still answer in the comment section. I'd love to hear your answers!

Frank Irwin
Mala
MtnMama
Samsmama
Salt
onebadmamajama
Heidi Renée
Elliott
Cary

Okay, Stacie already GAVE me the award, so I guess I can't really give it back to her. So I'd like to add Senorita to the list as well.

My 10 questions:

1. What is your most embarrassing moment of all time?
2. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
3. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
4. What is your browser's home page?
5. What color do you never, ever wear?
6. Are you a nature-lover or a city-slicker?
7. If you were granted 3 wishes, what would they be? (none of that "more wishes" crap!)
8. Do you have any scars? How'd you get them?
9. Ever seen a ghost?
10. What is your dream job?

Have fun! I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.

Out with the Dong, in with the Ozzy

I fired my Endocrinologist this morning. He had it coming, and it felt really good to cancel that appointment and tell his secretary that I would be finding a new physician. Not only did his bizarre, inappropriate flirting make me uncomfortable, but last time we met he was pushing me to get more radiation for whatever minuscule traces of thyroid cancer might be left in my neck, which I refuse to do. I've been there, done that, thank you very much.

Ten years ago I endured what I jokingly refer to as "The Silkwood Experience." I was 24 years old and the doctors brought in the poison pill on a little metal cart. No one would touch it, but I was about to pick it up and eat it. After I ingested it they all peered at me for a few minutes to make sure I wasn't going to hork it back up, which would have been classified as a chemical spill and would have shut down the entire wing of the hospital. Fabulous! No pressure.

I was in a plastic-lined room in the hospital for almost five days, glowing from the inside out. I was instructed to flush the toilet three times after using it so I wouldn't corrode the hospital pipes with my contaminated pee. The nurses would open the door, slide food inside the room, and quickly shut it again. The garbage piled up and began to smell by day three.... After the second day a dude in a bright yellow Hazmat suit came into the room and stood 10 feet away from me. He'd aim a Geiger counter at me and that's how they determined when it was safe for me to leave and be out among the general public again. It was a pretty fucking terrible experience, overall, and one that I'm not anxious to repeat.

Dr. Duck Dong refused to listen when I told him that my other doctors agreed that more radiation would do more harm than good in my case, and I refused to be bullied. Hence, we reached a stalemate three months ago when I cried into his lab coat as he insisted that radiation was not nearly as bad now as it was ten years ago... and he enjoyed comforting me just a trifle too much. We agreed to do blood work in three months, but over these past months I've gotten more and more angry that he was so insistent on the "standard course of treatment" even though my particular case has been anything but standard since day 1, which was nearly 11 years ago.

Eleven years. I have been dealing with this "garden variety" cancer for almost 11 years. What a pain in the ass.

So I'm finding a new doctor, one who listens to me and takes ME and MY BODY into account instead of spouting what the AMA says. I'm quitting Dr. Dong, but will remain vigilant about my own well-being, as always. For goodness sake, I'm still struggling to get my voice back - the last thing I want to do is nuke my throat some more!

Suck it, Dr. Dong!

In other news, I heard some killer Sabbath on the radio this morning and it put me in a great mood! I know it's weird, but I have a total soft spot for Ozzy. I like many different kinds of music; you all know I refuse to pigeon-hole my musical preferences. If I like the song, I don't care what genre it's in, I just like the song. And I like "Sweet Leaf," goddamn it.

"Shut up, and listen to the Ozzy."


Quick funny about an Ozzy tune, and then I'm outtie: when I went to the hospital to have my second darling son, Mala took D for the night. Apparently they were rocking out to some Ozzy that morning, because as I was sitting there holding my newborn I heard my oldest son coming down the hallway singing, "Ay Ay Ay Ay!" I recognized it instantly, well before he busted into the room with, "Comin' off the rails on a crazy traaaaaa-iiin!"

See? Hospital settings can provide good memories, too.

So there's that. Have a groovy day.
xoxo

OOBH Stew: Now With More Moobs!

Happy Friday! I'm soooooo glad that it's finally Friday. I just have a few more hours at my crap job and then I'll be freeeeeeeeee. I've got some fun plans this weekend, but all I really want to do is sleep. Sadly, I don't see that happening, but a girl can dream, right?

On to the stew! Let's do this thang.

Ingredient 1: MOOBS that will give you nightmares.

I found this little gem last night and was laughing so hard that Jim had to come over and see what I was watching. Well, he might have just heard the throbbing porno techno music and thought I was watching something racy, but whatever. We laughed and marvelled over this dude's... well, everything. See for yourself:


Via Buzzfeed.


So... many... things.... This guy is just WAY too lumpy! And what's with the bizarre little notes on the right side of the screen? The worst part is that this dude actually thinks he's hot. BLECH!

Oh, and did anyone else think of Hans & Franz? He's here to pump... YOU UP!


Ingredient 2: A vanity plate that lets the world know that you are one classy motherhumper.

Mjenks, you're from "North-By-God-Carolina, is this your license plate?

Ingredient 3: This just made me laugh, plain & simple:



Ingredient 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8... POP QUIZ: What do Lily Allen, Mark Wahlberg, Carrie Underwood, Krusty the Clown, and 1% of the human population have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Give up?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
All have admitted publicly to having a third nipple. Aren't you glad you know that?


Finally, speaking of 1%, this is the image I found when I googled 1%:

That was some damn good stew, if I do say so myself! And I do. :)

Have a great weekend, all!

TMI Thursday: It helps you poop!

First of all, I've been a bad blogger lately, and I'm sorry. I just can't seem to keep up with everything that's going on (all good stuff, don't worry), and it's a bummer when I see my comments and traffic slowing down here at the OOBH. Twice this week I sat down and wrote out long-winded posts that I later deemed too boring or depressing to post. My mojo... it has been spotty, lately.

Today I wasn't gonna write a TMI post because I just didn't feel like I had it in me, but then as I was eating my lunch I remembered an SNL clip that made me laugh, and it definitely qualifies as TMI. Win!

Yes, I was eating yogurt. Whether or not it was Activia yogurt is classified*, since we all know that La Bev does NOT admit to poop ing. Ever.

*ahem*

* Okay, I totally eat Activia. I like it, and I am trying to lose weight. Shoot me.

Without further a-DOO (see what I did there?), I give you the fantastic Kristin Wiig as Jamie Lee Curtis:



Of course, that clip reminded me of one that aired at least a decade ago. I remember when it was on SNL because the next day, it was all we talked about at work. To this day you can ask any of my old TV station coworkers about this spot and they will reply with, "Because I'm wearing them, and I just did." Good times!



Makes me wish I still worked with cool people. Sigh.

Anywho, there's your TMI for today. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta run... the yogurt is kickin' in.

Allegedly!

Wordless Wednesday

Hey, look at me! I'm really going wordless this week. I thought I could, and I can! Look, I'm doing it right now and it's aweso--- oh, wait. Okay, I'll shut up now. A little. Kind of. Okay, not at all.

Here goes:

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the best thing about my crap job is the office park I work in. See how pwetty?



When the blossoms fell, it looked like it had snowed flower petals:



Speaking of my crap job, before I left on vacation I did a little experiment to see just how lazy my asshole coworkers are. I am responsible for ordering the office supplies, and when they come in I put them away, too. It's one of those thankless duties that no one notices until I don't do it, just like 90% of my job. Before I left for my week-long vacation, I passive-aggressively ordered several cases of copier paper just to see what would happen if I didn't unpack them and put them away. I should have known that they would be sitting there waiting for me in the middle of the copy room when I returned A WEEK later.



You know you're a redneck if.... I somehow manage to get behind this guy in his "deer slayer" truck almost every morning on my drive to work. He's hard to miss.



My child picked me some "flowers" for Mother's Day. He really shouldn't have.



The only way to travel: in PJs and mouse ears!



HUGS!



My kid is stylin'! This is how he dressed himself for our date to go see Iron Man 2 last Saturday.



Happy Hump Day!