10 things I've learned at the mall

1. Just because you can fit into a certain size of clothing, doesn't mean you should.

2. The people who decide to put kid-traps like rows of gumball machines and quarter-operated rides near the mall exits should be drawn and quartered.

3. There are two kinds of people who eat Cinnabons: skinny people who don't gain weight no matter what they eat, and fat people who just don't give a shit anymore.

4. Teenagers are herd animals.

5. Old Navy clothes are cheap for a reason. Namely, they don't fit right and their fabric tends to be so thin you can actually see daylight through it.

6. They put eau du crack in the Yankee Candle scents. I know they're overpriced, but I cannot stop myself from buying them!

7. The "family room" restrooms are disgusting. I can't think of a more vile place to breastfeed or change my infant. I'd sooner use the mens' room.

8. I've never been cool enough to work at The Gap.

9. No matter where you park your car, you will be at the furthest point away from the store at which you actually went to the mall to shop.

10. Nobody wants a gift from Things Remembered.

That is all.