lily allen
lily allen
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Tuesday, August 31, 2010
On Owls and Caterpillars
Last night was a boring Monday night and I had nothing better to do than screw around on Facebook and browse eBay for shit that I don't need, so that's exactly what I was doing. I often find myself in strange corners of the eBay empire, and I have no idea why but last night I wound up looking at owl-related merch. One click just lead to another and before you can say, "hooters" I realized that I totally dig owls.
So, it turns out, I now dig owl collectibles. There I was thinking to myself, "Wow, that's cute. Oooh, I like those bookends. Lenox makes owl figurines? How pretty. Hmmm, I want that."
WTF, right? Has that ever happened to you? You're shopping and all of a sudden your own tastes surprise the hell out of you? It actually happens to me a lot; I'm about to make fun of something and then I realize that deep down, I think it's kind of neat.
Oddly enough, none of my Facebook friends were overly-surprised by my sudden owl fixation. I guess they're just used to me being... uhh... let's go with quirky. Then an old friend reminded me of something I wrote on a group website many years ago, back when the OOBH was just a twinkle in my eye. Since today's post is just a big old pile of steaming randomness, I'll tell you about the worst gift I've ever given someone.
When I first started my crap job and didn't know better, my crazy cat lady coworker convinced me that we should get our boss a birthday gift and do the whole forced-fun office cake party thing. Now, let it be known that I detest the office cake party, especially since I had only been here for a few months but had already determined that the majority of my coworkers were douchebags. However, since I like my boss and was new to the scene, I went along with it.
I gave Crazy my $10 and half-listened as she detailed some "adorable" golf-related item that she thought he'd just love to have in his office.
The day of the cake party arrived and we dragged everyone into the conference room for a half-hearted round of the birthday song and some store-bought cake. Then, with a flourish and a great deal of pomp & circumstance, Crazy unveiled the birthday gift that "we" had so lovingly picked out for him:
And so it was that I unwittingly gave a 55-year old man a 12" tall statue of a caterpillar playing golf.
I was mortified. He stammered and exclaimed, "Oh! Well, look at that." Everyone in the office stifled giggles and suddenly heard their phones ringing down the hall. Crazy beamed proudly. I wanted to melt into the carpet and disappear.
That was seven years ago and the caterpillar still stands on a filing cabinet in his office. Occasionally he clears out his knick-knacks (all sports-related memorabilia, some of it valuable), but I know he feels that he must display the caterpillar until the end of time because we, his adoring employees, gave it to him.
From then on out I made sure that I always take the day off on my birthday, and oddly-enough, so does my boss.
Of course, this post begs the question:
What's the worst gift you've ever gotten and had to pretend to like?
Yes, owls.
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| Don't look at me like that. |
WTF, right? Has that ever happened to you? You're shopping and all of a sudden your own tastes surprise the hell out of you? It actually happens to me a lot; I'm about to make fun of something and then I realize that deep down, I think it's kind of neat.
Oddly enough, none of my Facebook friends were overly-surprised by my sudden owl fixation. I guess they're just used to me being... uhh... let's go with quirky. Then an old friend reminded me of something I wrote on a group website many years ago, back when the OOBH was just a twinkle in my eye. Since today's post is just a big old pile of steaming randomness, I'll tell you about the worst gift I've ever given someone.
I gave Crazy my $10 and half-listened as she detailed some "adorable" golf-related item that she thought he'd just love to have in his office.
The day of the cake party arrived and we dragged everyone into the conference room for a half-hearted round of the birthday song and some store-bought cake. Then, with a flourish and a great deal of pomp & circumstance, Crazy unveiled the birthday gift that "we" had so lovingly picked out for him:
 |
| Ta-DAAAAAAA! |
And so it was that I unwittingly gave a 55-year old man a 12" tall statue of a caterpillar playing golf.
I was mortified. He stammered and exclaimed, "Oh! Well, look at that." Everyone in the office stifled giggles and suddenly heard their phones ringing down the hall. Crazy beamed proudly. I wanted to melt into the carpet and disappear.
That was seven years ago and the caterpillar still stands on a filing cabinet in his office. Occasionally he clears out his knick-knacks (all sports-related memorabilia, some of it valuable), but I know he feels that he must display the caterpillar until the end of time because we, his adoring employees, gave it to him.
From then on out I made sure that I always take the day off on my birthday, and oddly-enough, so does my boss.
Of course, this post begs the question:
What's the worst gift you've ever gotten and had to pretend to like?
Monday, August 30, 2010
heart evangelista
heart evangelista
heart evangelista
heart evangelista
heart evangelista
heart evangelista
Today kinda sucks, so let's have a laugh.
Hey there, beautiful people. How's it hangin'?
I'm having a rather shiteous day, but I'm doing my best to pull myself out of it*. It's a gorgeous day out and I woke up in such high spirits, but one thing lead to another and now, yadda yadda yadda, life sucks.
No, no, that's being melodramatic. It's not that bad. All of the important things are still okay in Bevland, but I did have to deal with the following irritants all before noon today:
* I weighed myself this morning for the first time in months. Motherfucker! That scale simply must be broken.
* The daycare charged us $20 because J got stuck in construction traffic and was exactly 2 minutes late to pick up the kid last week. Two minutes = $20. I feel like for that price we should at least get a handjob out of it or something.
* The internet was down at work when I got in. I'll bet you didn't know that in addition to being my office's chief ass-wiper, bad smell-hunter, and complaint-listener, I'm also the closest thing to an I.T. person that we have. Turns out it was nothing that 3 hours of my time and a $287 switch couldn't fix. But, at least I had the joy of listening to all of my a-hole coworkers bitch and moan about their lost productivity while I figured out what was wrong, so that made it all very satisfying. /sarcasm
ANYWHO. Enough of me kvetching! These problems are teeny tiny compared to others, so let's watch something funny and have a larf, shall we? Yesterday the family and I took a little road trip over to the seacoast. On the way there, the kids were clamoring for Happy Meals and we were hoping to have 5 minutes in which they'd stop talking for a goddamn second so we could hear ourselves think, so we stopped at McD's. They each got a Batman toy, which seemed harmless enough until we examined it closely. Then we noticed something... not quite kid-friendly about Batman. Take a look:
Uuummm, yeah. Does it look to anyone else like Batman is... um... well. YOU KNOW.
Oh, look who I'm asking. Of course you see it too! That's why we get along so well! :-p
There. I feel more cheerful already, though probably not as cheerful as Batman feels right now. Hope you're all surviving your Monday!
*That's what HE said.
No, no, that's being melodramatic. It's not that bad. All of the important things are still okay in Bevland, but I did have to deal with the following irritants all before noon today:
* I weighed myself this morning for the first time in months. Motherfucker! That scale simply must be broken.
* The daycare charged us $20 because J got stuck in construction traffic and was exactly 2 minutes late to pick up the kid last week. Two minutes = $20. I feel like for that price we should at least get a handjob out of it or something.
* The internet was down at work when I got in. I'll bet you didn't know that in addition to being my office's chief ass-wiper, bad smell-hunter, and complaint-listener, I'm also the closest thing to an I.T. person that we have. Turns out it was nothing that 3 hours of my time and a $287 switch couldn't fix. But, at least I had the joy of listening to all of my a-hole coworkers bitch and moan about their lost productivity while I figured out what was wrong, so that made it all very satisfying. /sarcasm
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| Screw you guys! I'm going home. |
ANYWHO. Enough of me kvetching! These problems are teeny tiny compared to others, so let's watch something funny and have a larf, shall we? Yesterday the family and I took a little road trip over to the seacoast. On the way there, the kids were clamoring for Happy Meals and we were hoping to have 5 minutes in which they'd stop talking for a goddamn second so we could hear ourselves think, so we stopped at McD's. They each got a Batman toy, which seemed harmless enough until we examined it closely. Then we noticed something... not quite kid-friendly about Batman. Take a look:
Uuummm, yeah. Does it look to anyone else like Batman is... um... well. YOU KNOW.
Oh, look who I'm asking. Of course you see it too! That's why we get along so well! :-p
There. I feel more cheerful already, though probably not as cheerful as Batman feels right now. Hope you're all surviving your Monday!
*That's what HE said.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
OOBH Stew: Eff You, Skank! Edition
Hey there! What's shakin', my BOOBHs? (see what I did there?)
It's Friday, and you know what that means: OOBH Stew time. Today I'm gonna do something a little different though because I do so love to mix it up and keep it real, don't you?
Last night as I was thinking about what pop culture nuggets I'd mince up for the stew I realized that all of the stories I wanted to talk about involved celebu-skanks who need to be told to eff off, and fast. I don't typically get so negative here on the OOBH but this has been building for a while now, so today I shall release the Kraken and add a hearty pinch of "EFF YOU, SKANK" seasoning to the Stew.
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| Tastes like cigarettes and Thunderbird. |
Naturally, if you're offended by the F-bomb you might want to skip this one. If not, pull up a stool (heh heh, I said stool) and enjoy.
Eff You, Skank #1: Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green.
The first ingredient comes from a rather unlikely source, but since I am the Tess McGill of the blogging world I take pride in collecting information from many different sources. I heard about this song yesterday while listening to NPR. Yes, I know - I'm such a rock star, pumpin' my public radio to find the freshest new jams. *eye roll*
Bear with me, because this song is hilarious AND it fits in with today's theme. The song is called "Fuck You" and it's catchy as all get-out. It's already a huge hit online even though it hasn't even been released yet. You simply must listen to it to understand the coolness of it all, but be forewarned - it's obviously NSFW and contains bad language. Durr.
Right?! I love it!
Eff You, Skank #2: LiHo is out of jail/rehab.
Now she'll get millions of dollars to do her post-jail interviews in which she'll cry and say how the court system wronged her & the judge was unfair. She'll have a career renaissance and will be hotter than ever while the rest of us are just trying to stay out of trouble and pay the goddamned electric bill on time. FUCK YOU, SKANK!
Eff You, Skank #3: Heidi Montag wants to have her DDD implants removed.
BOO HOO! They make her back hurt and she has to have her clothes custom-made. Waaaaaaaaaaah!
So you mean that tottering around with 2+ gallons of saline perched on your 100 lb. frame wasn't a good idea? Who'da thunk it?!
FUCK YOU, ya' halfwit! Go away!
Eff You, Skank #4: Britney has a hot bod again.
Remember when Brit-Brit was cray-cray and looked like this:
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| Via WWTDD |
Where the hell are MY personal trainers and chefs? Oh yeah, that's right, I don't have any because I'm not a nutcase who is more famous for going crazy and not wearing panties than for her... wait, what did she used to do? Sing, or something?
Shoot, man. Fuck you. Skank.
Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest I feel a lot better! :) Anyone else need to vent? Have at it - we don't judge.
We'll get back to rainbows, puppies, and sunshine next week. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
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