Pour some Friday on me

Hello, cheeky monkeys! Sorry to dump on ya yesterday, but thanks for the nice comments and for bearing with me. As is almost always the case, once I purge on my blog I usually end up feeling better the next day. Call it an "Airing of Grievances," if you will.

One last thing about this voice crap that I have to tell you because it's kind of funny - you don't realize what role your vocal cords play in your every-day life until one of them shits the bed on you. For instance, swallowing is hit or miss (stuff goes down the wrong tube a lot - STFU fellas) which makes me cough, and I currently cough like a 90 year old with emphysema (NTTAWWT), and last, well... yesterday I sneezed a couple of times and BOY was that a shocker! It sounds like an explosion! CRAZY! I am soooooo lady-like. *snort*



BUT, it's getting better - BECAUSE IT MUST - so I'm going to ignore it and move on.

Shall we walk & I'll show you some funny things I've been collecting this week? (linking arms)

Let's!

First off, we need to discuss two of this week's many Facebook memes. The first is the Urban Dictionary one which involves going to Urban Dictionary.com and typing in your first name to get the definition, which you then post to your FB profile. A lot of people couldn't post their first UD name meanings because they were too dirty for Facebook; since that's NOT a problem here at the OOBH, I invite you to share them here in the comments section! Personally, I loved mine and would have it tattooed somewhere on my body if I were into that sort of thing, which I'm not. Check it out - disregard the last line.

one who is bringing sexy back; one who is a mammajamma; one who is straight up gangsta; one who is a BFF; one who takes M-Diddy to prom; one who mingles with chemistry teachers; one who has hott buttery buns; one who is hillbilly

YEAH, baby! I love-love-love it. :) What's yours?

Secondly, there's the one where you're supposed to change your avatar to your celebrity doppleganger, but that didn't work for me because I don't resemble anyone famous! What can I say? I'm one of a kind....

When I asked my friends who I looked like they said:

Liv Tyler & Lauren Graham.



After I stopped laughing and thanking them profusely, I told them I didn't see it.

Do you have a celebrity doppleganger? Who is it?

What about the celebs themselves? Who do they pick as their FB dopplegangers? According to Holy Taco:



Last but not least, I found this funny website where an actress-type chica makes webisodes of a show she calls "Very Mary Kate." She plays everyone's favorite anorexic monkey troll/actress and they're all short and really FUNNY! This one's my fave:

Very Mary-Kate, Episode 3 from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

So that's my funny shtuff. Hope you liked it as much as I did!

Big weekend plans? I'm just hanging around with my kids this weekend because my BIL is coming to take my husband out of my hair skiing. Will I be watching the Super Cornhole? Nope! Since there won't be anyone around to force me to pretend to enjoy it for the sake of the overpriced and overhyped commercials, I'm gonna skip it. Will I still buy and eat hot wings? You bet your sweet bippy! Bev likes her chicken spicy.

Have a nice weekend, all!
XOXO

Speak for yourself

'Cause I sure can't!

Sad Clown Warning! Proceed with caution.



Day 9 after having surgery and I am still sans voix. Well, I shouldn't say completely sans; I have a sort of raspy laryngitis-sounding whisper going on. It's not at all the Kathleen Turner-sexy voice that I was hoping for when they told me that a rare potential complication of my surgery is damage to the vocal cords. In fact, this isn't sexy at all - it kinda sucks and I'm getting darn sick of it.

I'm not a quiet person; I have a quick wit and love to crack jokes and I just love to talk, in general. Although I'm not a good singer I do it all the time - I sing along with the car radio, I sing in the shower, I do karaoke for the comic value alone, I sing with my family when we play Rock Band. Not being able to sing "Twinkle Twinkle" with my son or "Happy Birthday" to my husband is really cramping my style.



Will this be the event that finally sends me crying to my doctor, begging to be medicated? I thought I might need something after my dad died last May, but I managed to pull myself out of that emotional nosedive over these past 8 months. Then my cancer came back, but I still did okay - I am an optimist! I keep my chin up. I show weakness only to my inner circle of confidantes and even then, sparingly. Nobody needs a buzzkill friend when they've all got their own problems, after all.

But this, well. This is just BULLSHIT. This is just a clear-cut case of insult being added to injury. The good news is that my scar looks great! It's healing fast and honestly, I'm just so pleased with how it looks. The bad news is that sometime during the 90 minutes that I was under anesthesia, my left vocal cord went all prima donna on us and is now paralyzed.

My ENT confirmed the left vocal cord paralysis on Tuesday, which was a super fun experience, lemme tell ya. First he had me stick out my tongue as far as I could so he could grab it with gauze and hold it there, then he stuck a mirrored scope down my throat until my gag reflex kicked in (hey fellas, wussup) while I did my best to say, "heeeeeeeeeee." The doctor's defeated-sounding, "Huh," told me everything I needed to know.

I hate it when doctors say, "huh."

"Great news! We got all the cancer out! Bad news - now you're partially mute."

He wants to see me again in 3 weeks to check on them. There's a very good chance that the paralysis will spontaneously resolve on its own, so that is the hope I hang my hat on every day. I don't even want to think about what happens if they don't bounce back.

I'm finding myself saying no to plans with friends because it's just too much effort to be heard, and I'm embarrassed that every time I open my mouth I sound exactly like what I've never wanted to feel like: a sick person. I feel fine! I am fine!

A couple of interesting facts about having no voice:

1. even though I tell people that I can't talk they're still shocked when they call me (!) and can't hear me.

2. People tend to whisper back to me in conversations, which I find funny. Conversely, they yell at me or exaggerate their words. There's nothing wrong with my hearing, folks, so no need to shout!

3. Everyone from the check-out girl to every coworker in my office looks at me like I've sprouted a second head when I croak at them, which means that I spend a lot of time explaining my hoarseness. Well, I don't explain, really, I just mumble something about having been sick or having a problem with my voice until they leave me alone. But still, annoying!



It's amazing how quickly my children have adjusted to my little problem. Even my 2 year old knows that he has to come close to me if he wants to hear the answer to one of his questions. My 6 year old does the same thing, even going so far as to repeat my quiet responses to my husband for me like some kind of human megaphone. My husband is learning - slowly - that he cannot toss a question over his shoulder as he walks out of the room and expect me to call out the answer. Deafening silence is a good teacher, apparently.

So, that's where I am today. I'm getting used to being a low-talker for the time being, maybe forever (but I refuse to believe that). I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself and am succeeding most of the time, and one of these days I'm going to talk someone into wearing a puffy shirt on national television and it will make it all worthwhile.

Well, at least that's what television has taught me.

There, that fulfills my monthly quota for bitching & moaning, I presume. I promise to have something more entertaining for you tomorrow!

Quietly yours,
B