So, my husband is one of those "suffer in silence" types. He often hurts himself whilst out doing his manly things in the woods, and I don't know that he has hurt himself until I find bloody Band-Aids in the garbage, notice he's missing a fingernail (ew!), or see him hobbling around more than usual. Maybe that's a good thing, because hey, no one likes a whiny bitch, now does one?
Nice, Bev. Nice.
That being said, two weeks ago the dude went skiing and fell down. Hard. Again, it's not unusual (Tom Jones - shout out!) for him to hobble a bit after a particularly grueling day on the slopes. He often takes a couple of days to walk normally and can be found on the couch, nursing a beer, elevating and icing his knee. Have I mentioned he's had two ACL repairs? No? Well, yeah, there's that.
So I didn't blink when he was looking even worse than usual last week, walking a little sideways and a lot stiffly. In fact, I am so unobservant that he managed to hide his GIGANTIC SWOLLEN AND PURPLE ASS BRUISE from me for almost 5 full days. When he finally showed it to me, I could not believe it. He has shelf-ass.
His hip is swollen out at least 8", it's rock hard, and is the most vile purplish-blackish-yellowish-greenish color you've ever seen.
< This is where I'd put the picture of it if my stupid camera hadn't stupid broken, and if he hadn't threatened me with the posting of some of our more unsightly photos of me from our collection if I dared take a photo of his swollen ass bruise. >
Now, 9 days later, the blood seems to be draining from said wound down his leg and pooling into his freakishly-deformed caveman foot. It's completely revolting, and I cannot believe he didn't go see a doctor. I mean, dude, your leg is the size of a Redwood and is turning nauseating colors. What would it take to make you go see an MD?
In related news, here's a tip for ya: don't Google Image "ass bruise." Seriously, don't.
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Breaks, Broken, BROKE.
Stupid everything keeps stupid breaking!!!
*deep breath*
Ok, just a teensy little rant here. Do you ever just have a period of time when everything seems to break at once? Does it ever happen during a month when you're just behind everywhere and can't seem to catch your breath much less balance the dang checkbook? GAH!
On Whoopsie Wednesday, my drunk ass was nuking a plate of nachos (don't judge!) after The Hubster brought me home, when the microwave flashed brilliant white and then was silent. Never to nuke another nacho. No how.
This puts a cramp in my dinner-making style since I tend to microwave a bag o' Steam Fresh vegetables nearly every night, so since then I've had to *gasp* buy fresh vegetables and boil the damn things. That is just far too much effort for me, sadly. So, we need a new microwave.
Eight years ago, when we bought this house, the oven was on the list of "things to replace." Yeah, it's still here. It doesn't go over 400 degrees F. Well, you can set it to whatever you want, but be aware that if you set it even one itty bitty degree over 400, whatever you put in there will immediately be reduced to a charcoal briquette. Trust me. It took my husband several years of burning his frozen pizzas to take my word for it. And now, it's been getting worse; there's just no predicting when it will burn the crap out of your food. So, we need a new oven.
Last straw: I seem to go through digital cameras like they're the disposable cardboard kind. I mean, I try to treat them nicely; I keep them in a little padded camera bag and I don't let the kids play with them. Well, despite my best efforts, my beloved little Canon started acting weird a couple of weeks ago. I mean, I looked like crap in every shot, so it MUST be the camera, right? Heh. Right. Anyway, it really was taking blurry pics and it was pissing me off, so I got even with it by dropping it on my kitchen floor on Saturday while clowning around with Mala in a Merlot-induced photo sesh. So, we need a new camera.
I need to fall in a pile of cash, apparently, or else find a super duper Microwave/Range/Camera combo sale somewhere.
Farging icehole.
EDITED TO ADD:
Two more pieces of shite to add to the list: my double toaster - one side is kaput for no discernable reason. Great. More importantly and MOST ANNOYINGLY, my cell phone keeps turning off with no warning while I'm talking on it! WTF??! I give up!
*deep breath*
Ok, just a teensy little rant here. Do you ever just have a period of time when everything seems to break at once? Does it ever happen during a month when you're just behind everywhere and can't seem to catch your breath much less balance the dang checkbook? GAH!
On Whoopsie Wednesday, my drunk ass was nuking a plate of nachos (don't judge!) after The Hubster brought me home, when the microwave flashed brilliant white and then was silent. Never to nuke another nacho. No how.
This puts a cramp in my dinner-making style since I tend to microwave a bag o' Steam Fresh vegetables nearly every night, so since then I've had to *gasp* buy fresh vegetables and boil the damn things. That is just far too much effort for me, sadly. So, we need a new microwave.
Eight years ago, when we bought this house, the oven was on the list of "things to replace." Yeah, it's still here. It doesn't go over 400 degrees F. Well, you can set it to whatever you want, but be aware that if you set it even one itty bitty degree over 400, whatever you put in there will immediately be reduced to a charcoal briquette. Trust me. It took my husband several years of burning his frozen pizzas to take my word for it. And now, it's been getting worse; there's just no predicting when it will burn the crap out of your food. So, we need a new oven.
Last straw: I seem to go through digital cameras like they're the disposable cardboard kind. I mean, I try to treat them nicely; I keep them in a little padded camera bag and I don't let the kids play with them. Well, despite my best efforts, my beloved little Canon started acting weird a couple of weeks ago. I mean, I looked like crap in every shot, so it MUST be the camera, right? Heh. Right. Anyway, it really was taking blurry pics and it was pissing me off, so I got even with it by dropping it on my kitchen floor on Saturday while clowning around with Mala in a Merlot-induced photo sesh. So, we need a new camera.
I need to fall in a pile of cash, apparently, or else find a super duper Microwave/Range/Camera combo sale somewhere.
Farging icehole.
EDITED TO ADD:
Two more pieces of shite to add to the list: my double toaster - one side is kaput for no discernable reason. Great. More importantly and MOST ANNOYINGLY, my cell phone keeps turning off with no warning while I'm talking on it! WTF??! I give up!
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